Yet another delightful array of google searches brought scores of readers to our site in the last month. Here's just a few of the best...

Synonyms for dadgummed - We're not really that surprised that Roy is trying to expand his vocabulary, we're just a little shocked that he's using the crapnet as his resource. Surely Wanda has an old thesaurus sitting around the house somewhere.

download ace ventura alrighty then chant - We're not positive that the phrase "alrighty then" would technically qualify as a "chant," per se. Maybe you were thinking about "a-wimoweh?"

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Rodderick Rules-book report - We don't know a wimpy kid named Rodderick who keeps a diary, but we do know a wimpy kid named Redick who writes poetry. Hope that helps.

Pimento Cheese Spread, Car - We're pretty happy to be near the top of the list for google searches involving pimento cheese.

dookie meaning in middle eastern - Probably the same meaning that it has here. To the best of our knowledge, the Blue Devils are loathed all across the globe.

Mickie Krzyzewski mother Marge - That gives us a good idea. We're going to go ahead and perpetuate the rumor that Marge Schott was Mickie Krzyzewski's mother. Wouldn't really be that much of a stretch.

while standing at the water cooler monday after the game, it will still be - ...WILL STILL BE WHAT, MAN???? DON'T LEAVE US HANGING!! At least let us know what game you're talking about.

Forest City Owls Bojangles deal sign coastal plain league outfield - This is just a great example of the trusty ol' archives containing nearly every word possible. Forest City--well, that's where Chad Flack is from. Owls? Well, we played the Rice Owls in the College World Series. Bojangle's is obvious; there's no telling how many times we've scored 100 in the Dean Dome since this site started. You get the idea...

SASHA KAUN HAS HE GONE BACK TO RUSSIA - NO HE HASNT HE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE NBA DRAFT. To be more specific (and to use proper punctuation, grammar, and capitalization), according to the Lawrence Journal-World, Sasha "likely won’t be tapped in the NBA Draft but nonetheless likely will strike it rich in the Russian pro leagues." So there ya go. Always happy to help.

"avoid thinking about" cwc - Why would you ever want to avoid thinking about CWC?

water cooler for church - Yep, this is the one. We try to keep it family friendly.

Which golfer once sprained their thumb in a pillow fight just before a series of exhibition matches? - If Lee Melchionni played golf, he would probably be the answer to this question.

I hope your Memorial Day weekend was fantastic! It’s truly hard to top the excitement that surrounds the un-official beginning of summer, but we’ll try to do it this week with..drum roll please…midget wrestling. I’d like to start by saying that I have absolutely no intention of offending small people, midgets, or their families with this column. I’m simply relaying a truly American and awesome sport that I knew little about before I got here…There are approximately 2 million puns I could make in this week’s column, but I’m going to be the bigger man and keep it clean.

I first heard about “professional” midget wrestling when I moved to Arkansas. Professional is a term that we should use loosely here, because these fellas ain’t exactly breaking the bank. The name of the organization is the MWO which stands for Midget World Order. These wrestlers get paid to appear and beat the heck out of each other at sporting venues, bars, and anywhere else party people go in the South.

Apparently the baseball team overe here in Little Rock has been bringing midget wrestling to the stadium each summer for 14 years! I’m not sure how much each appearance costs, but it’s a small price to pay for the all the excitement and joy that midget wrestling brings. The fans here already come to the ballpark on Friday nights to drink some beers and have fun, but the Friday night that midget wrestling came to town was unbelievable. We broke an attendance record with 8,868 folks in the stands, and I think each one enjoyed at least 3 frosty beverages. Right off the bat it was apparent that something special was going down the night the midgets came to town.

The crew got to meet the two championship contenders about 2 hours before the highly anticipated match. It’s amazing how intimidating two midget wrestlers can be. There are 6 guys on our crew, but all of us were too afraid to ask for a picture with them. We convinced the general manager Pete Laven to ask for us. “Beautiful Bobby” and “Little Kato” were very friendly and agreed to take the picture with us. There’s something about uncomfortable situations that bring out the best in me--as the two championship contenders walked over after agreeing to pose with us, my mouth spit out the following sentence: “Thanks guys. You’re cool with this right?” They handled this off-handed comment pretty well. They didn’t say anything, but they looked at me as if to say, “If you patronize us with one more idiotic comment we’re going to beat you. Now look at the camera and smile short, non-midget boy.”

Later we got to meet the referee. I forget his name, but he had forearms the size of my legs, and they were covered in sweet tattoos. He also had a long ponytail that could kill…It was enough to make Steven Seagal blush.

As we finished setting up the ring, I noticed that several of the Arkansas Travelers AND the Northwest Arkansas Natural players were coming out of their respective clubhouses early, and they were bringing chairs. They started to set them up around the ring, and there was some friendly fighting over prime viewing spots. This is when I realized that something truly American and awesome was about to happen. The baseball players are used to being the show, but on this date they took a back seat to watch and enjoy the real entertainment of the night: “Beautiful Bobby” vs. “Little Kato” for the MWO championship belt.

“Beautiful Bobby” is in his 40s and his wrestling days are numbered. He’s a fan favorite and he’s constantly battling back from “career threatening” back and leg injuries. “Little Kato” is the young hotshot who does anything to win. He cheats, he hits below the belt, and he stinks. It was a classic Good vs. Evil battle just like the gunfights John Wayne got himself into in his timeless westerns that I love so much.

“Beautiful Bobby” had the fans behind him throughout the best of three championship series. “Little Kato” constantly flipped off the crowd and yelled at them in response to their taunts and jeers. Long story short, “Little Kato” took the first match and “Beautiful Bobby” took the last two matches to take the championship belt. “Little Kato” was finished off with a trash can lid to the head and a body slam on top of the 20 gallon barrel. The players went nuts, the fans went nuts, and I went nuts. A great historical American theme presented itself again: Good defeated Evil in a classic battle. “Little Kato” took the slow and disappointing walk back to the showers.

“Beautiful Bobby” was given a true champions exit with a ride in the ballpark golf cart. He put on his shiny robe and held his championship belt high as he rode around the warning track waving to his loyal fans. The joyous fans didn’t know how much pain “Beautiful Bobby” was in. His knees ached, his joints were swollen, and the pain in his back made it hard to stand up straight. He stood tall for the fans because he knew how much they needed a hero during these hard times…If you were able to get close on that Friday afternoon and take a good look at Bobby’s face, you’d see his smile looked out of place; if you looked closer it’d be easier to trace the tracks of his tears…The golf cart puttered slowly up the stadium ramp into the shadows created by the fading summer sun. I don’t know where “Beautiful Bobby” is today, and I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to this town. That may have been his last fight. But as long as there’s a need for justice out here in the West, something tells me “Beautiful Bobby” will always be ready. Here’s to you “B.B.” You’re a true American.

Muffin (short, non-midget guy on the back row), Beautiful Bobby (in front of Muffin) and Little Kato (red shorts).

AMERICANA MONDAY UPDATES:

1. In regards to a previous debate about which is more American; Golden Corral or CiCi’s Pizza: I stand by my verdict that Golden Corral is more American, but a Golden Corral over here in Little Rock, AR is of concern to me. This particular one has only one toilet…if you eat at Golden Corral often you know how un-American, nay, in-humane this is.

2. A co-worker of mine said something so ridiculous and un-American that I had to post it all over the world-wide-net-web. He shall remain un-named because I’m feeling nice today. Anyway, there’s another co-worker of ours who is a female and has the nickname Pocohantas. There has been a creeping suspision that Pochonatas and this guy have a thing for one another. So, some of us started calling him John Smith one day, to which he replied, “Who is John Smith?” We laughed until we found out he was serious. This guy didn’t know who John flippin’ Smith was. Are you kidding me? UN-AMERICAN.

Dear Joseph,

It's been a while, man. How is everything over in Bologna? We've actually been hoping that Carolina Water Cooler could start selling Fortitudo Bologna jerseys with your name on the back. Any idea what kind of licensing issues we might encounter there?

Anyway, we were just sitting around the other day thinking about all of the good times--not so much your college career, but mostly your days in the NBA. Who can forget that time that you were injured and wore a Scooby-Doo t-shirt on the Celtics bench? Or the time that you endeared yourself to all of your teammates when you wore a Lakers jersey in the Celts locker room?

Then there was the year in Seattle. That's when you really expanded your horizons, adding a littany of off-the-court heroics to your 1.2 points per game average. There was the constant singing in the shower after losses--again solidifying your relationship with your new teammates. Then there was the gun charge. And the marijuana charge. And that time that you punched a guy in the face in Woollen and then got pulled over for driving well over 100 mph.

Then came the mountaintop. Literally. That season in the D-League playing for the Asheville Altitude was the crown jewel for your resume. We'd never thought of it this way until this very moment, but it now makes sense why you went to Europe after the Asheville experience--you'd accomplished everything that you could basketball-wise in these United States.

How about old Dematha High teammate Keith Bogans. Ever talk to him? He certainly hasn't hit the big time yet like you (he's toiling away in Orlando, trying to get out of J.J. Redick's shadow), but he's still young too. Maybe his ship will come in someday.

Listen, maybe you can help us out with a little situation we have on our hands here. It seems that a bunch of our guys want to play NBA basketball. And if that was their goal eventually, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. But they want in right now. In fact, a couple of them are apparently in the midst of negotiations that would allow them to play in the NBA Finals next week.

Of course, this wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that several fans are upset with the situation. Hundreds of thousands of people have evidently abused their Facebook and MySpace privileges to tell these players that leaving for the NBA now is not in their best interest. We were wondering if maybe you send out a press release or make a statement of some kind (we'd be happy to post it here) that would help ease the minds of these nervous folks. Maybe you could gently remind them how they told you that leaving early was a bad idea, and then how they were forced to sit back and watch your meteoric rise to the pinnacle of professional basketball. That should shut 'em up.

We're sure that you probably have somebody reading this for you, since you're most likely out hopping the bars of Bologna with some smokin' hot Italian chicks. But if by any chance this comes across your desk, please do whatever you can to help us quell this firestorm here in Chapel Hill.

You're our only hope, Joseph.

Cheers,

Stillman and Dave

Welcome back! Happy Memorial Day to all of you! On Memorial Day we honor all of those who died while serving in the US military. It’s also the un-official beginning of summer. I love it when people call Memorial Day the beginning of summer. That in itself is American because we don’t sit back and wait for the Summer Solstice before we declare the changing of the seasons. Who cares about all of that scientific junk? If it’s hot outside and there are mullet-heads running around with their shirts off, then it’s summer; if the Diamond Heels are about to tear up the dirt in the NCAA tournament, then it’s summer; if the Kings and Queens of the local trailer parks are saving up every last dime to get the finest, best-equipped, and most up-to-date bug zapper, then it’s summer, by golly.

Today’s topic is Astro Turf. I’m sick and tired of people sitting back and letting Astro Turf take over where beautiful green grass once was. It’s un-American. And besides, sit back for a second and think about how many peaceful Fire-Ant ecosystems have been eradicated because of Astro Turf. It’s a shame. What are we supposed to light on fire with magnifying glasses now?

Astro Turf was invented in 1965 and patented in 1967 by a company named Monsato. The Astro Turf division consolidated in 1986 and opened up its headquarters in Dalton, Georgia. The day Astro Turf became an LLC (limited liability corporation) was one of the darkest days in our history. Heck, while we were at it, we should have just taken the stars off of our flag and painted the white stripes red like the communists we were acting like on that day.

There just aren’t enough positives associated with Astro Turf to outweigh the negatives. It allows us to play outdoor sports inside…this doesn’t even make sense. You don’t see people bowling or playing darts outside do you? No, so why do we have people playing baseball and football inside? Astro Turf allows sports and recreational organizations to save money on the cost of field care…great idea. Let’s outsource some more American jobs; brilliant. There aren’t really any more positives to Astro Turf. It has evolved quite a bit over the last 20 years. It’s more like real grass with tiny synthetic grass blades and a rubber base to allow for softer landings, but it’s still garbage.

Let’s look at the negatives shall we? Have you ever seen pictures or videos of professional Japanese baseball games? If you have, you probably noticed one constant…Astro Turf. All of their stadiums--check that--all of their domes look the same. No playing surface is unique in Japan…they’re fake and they're bland. Do you see what we risk by using Astro Turf? Remember how similar the fields at the Astrodome, Kingdome, and the old Busch Stadium (before they installed real grass) looked? By using Astro Turf, we stand to lose a significant portion of the individualism that makes America, America.

Another negative of Astro Turf is all of the injuries. This is a big reason so many franchises have come to their senses and installed real grass. Athletes are much more likely to sprain an ankle, tear an ACL or MCL, and get “turf toe” on rigid surfaces like Astro Turf. What the heck is “turf toe” anyway? Besides being extremely fun to say due to its inherent alliteration, there’s nothing cool about it. Here’s the definition from Wikipedia: “The injury occurs when someone or something falls on the back of the calf while that leg's knee and tips of the toes are touching the ground. The toe is hyperextended and thus the joint is injured.” Lame.

If we would have our athletes play sports on the beautiful grass that God gave us, then turf toe wouldn’t be a problem.

Astro Turf ain’t American. Period. There’s more I could say, but the NCAA baseball selection show just came on.

When it happened:
January 1, 1998

Where it happened:
Jacksonville, Florida’s Alltel Stadium (which is now referred to as Jacksonville Municipal Stadium). Not to be confused with Charlotte, North Carolina’s Bank of America Stadium (which was formerly known as Ericsson Stadium). Apparently telecommunications companies are moving away from spending trillions of dollars to own the rights to stadium names.

Why it happened:
North Carolina had just finished a 10-1 regular season, including a 7-1 conference record, with their lone blemish at the hands of Florida State. That’s not as bad as it sounds now – the Seminoles used to be quite the powerhouse before Bobby Bowden went a little off his rocker. The Heels’ failure to finish first in the ACC meant they didn’t get an automatic Alliance Bowl berth, and their failure to possess any football history or tradition meant they’d be snubbed of an at large berth.

Meanwhile, Virginia Tech had just concluded a disappointing 7-4 season, with back-to-back losses at Pittsburgh and arch rival Virginia to close out the season. Despite their subpar on-field performance, proud VT fans still believed their tradition rich Hokies had a good chance of upsetting the Heels and proving once and for all that they could compete in the ACC if only they were given the opportunity.

Why it was important:
Mack Brown had just abandoned the University of North Carolina to take the head coaching job at the University of Texas, despite his repeated denials of rumors circulating that he’d accepted the job. Upon Brown’s departure, Athletic Director Dick Baddour conducted an exhaustive search for potential replacements, beginning with Defensive Coordinator Carl Torbush and ending with Defensive Coordinator Carl Torbush. Torbush needed a win in his first game as Head Coach in order to get his tenure off to a strong start. It would also show Mack Brown that the grass isn’t always greener in the cow pasture – it’s not like the ‘Horns have been invited to the Gator Bowl since he took over the reins in Austin.

What happened:
Torbush and the Heels jumped all over Virginia Tech, scoring 10 points in the first 10 minutes, including a 62 yard pass from Chris Keldorf to Octavus Barnes. After that, Carolina decided to beat Frank Beamer at his own game (“Beamer Ball”). They blocked a punt late in the first quarter, which Dre Bly returned for a touchdown. In the second, the Hokies fumbled in the end zone and Greg Ellis recovered it for another non-offensive TD. Things didn’t improve much for VT in the second half, and North Carolina went on to hand them their worst bowl loss in school history, winning by a final tally of 42-3.

How things played out after that game:
For Torbush and the Heels, the 42-3 win over the Hokies was the beginning of the “Carl Torbush Golden Era.” Unfortunately for all involved, the 42-3 win over the Hokies was also the end of the “Carl Torbush Golden Era.” The state of the football program deteriorated quickly, and Torbush was eventually fired twice for his blunders. John Bunting was then brought in to be the Tar Heel programs’ knight in shining armor. As it turned out, his armor had a few chinks in it, which were exploited by powerhouse schools such as Miami (OH), Syracuse, Utah, Rutgers, and South Florida.

Despite putting Carolina fans through nine pretty brutal years of football, Dick Baddour was vindicated in his decision not to match the salary offer the Longhorns gave Mack Brown. Sure, Texas went on to achieve some success, but if it took Mack nearly a decade to win a National Championship at a football school, imagine how long Heel fans would have been waiting if he’d stayed in Chapel Hill – a women’s soccer school.

Do you know what America’s leading export is? Three, two, one…time’s up. It’s entertainment…I think. At least that’s what the guy at the flea market said. Anyway, one of America’s finest shows is “Deal or No Deal!” In this weeks installment, I’d like to take you back to how I came to know and love this emmy-worthy show…

The FIRST TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wanted to shove a pitch fork through my spleen.

The SECOND TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I considered ramming my head into the television screen in order to kill two birds with one stone. The first bird being the TV that allowed this non-sense to corrupt my life, and the second being my ability to be conscious.

The THIRD TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," it didn't cause me any agony or cause me to wish physical pain upon myself.

The FOURTH TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I was free from worries and anxiety for an entire hour. I was completely entertained and engaged, and I'm fairly certain that the joyous experience actually added years to my life.

What are we to make of this? Something that seemed so horrid and repulsive at first is now something I look forward to on a daily basis (especially on Mondays and Wednesdays when new episodes air). So again, what do we make of this?

Is it of Satan?

No, I don't think so, but it does have a dangerous addictive quality.

Is it of God?

Not sure....wouldn't every contestant win $1 million if it was?

Well, we just have to break it down and see exactly what it is that makes "Deal or No Deal" special. 3 things make it spectacular and a must see. 1) The contestants and their lack of intelligence and lack of skill in logic. 2) Howie Mandel: An Emmy-winning entertainer who is a cross between Bob Barker and Robin Williams. 3) The ladies.

1. The contestants are idiots. They say stuff like, "I told myself that if I got offered $200,000, I would take the deal and pay off all of my loans and help my family...but I just can't stop now; I'm going to win the million!" Idiots. Some of these contestants come on the show talking about how much they need the money and then they poop it away because of greed…but mostly because of stupidity. I love it! Watching people in misery after pooping away thousands of dollars is great! Why? Because it's not you! It's some other poor soul who was too dumb to know a good thing when it hit them in the face.

2. Howie Mandel. Like Bob Barker, he is an Emmy-winning entertainer. Mandel has added the right dose of game show sensibility and comedy to create a fantastic sidebar to the show. His lines are priceless: "Deal?" (as he holds his hands together just below his nose and waits for 5 seconds of slience)..."Or no deal?" (as he then opens his hands and points them palm-up towards the contestant as if to say, "I know you're having a tough time partner, but give me a flippin' answer.") Mandel is also a germ-a-phobe, and he is afraid to shake hands. Seriously, watch him! He never shakes...he only gives "pounds." I keep watching for the day that some contestant just flips out and is so excited that they grab his hand. What will he do?!?!

3. The ladies. Brilliant idea. It's good to know that women are still seen as simply eye candy somewhere. Just kidding. But seriously. No, I'm just kidding. But, isn't it surprising that some politically correct whack job hasn't come along and dismissed the show as “sexist” and “repulsive?” I think so, but I'm not complaining!

The FIFTIETH time I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wrote a column about it, and suggested that you watch it too.

As is Carolina Water Cooler’s custom, with baseball season winding down, it’s time to pick up the pace of our coverage of America’s past time.

12:48 – I’m positioned on the couch a full 12 minutes early for the Carolina baseball team’s regular season finale against the Hurricanes of Miami. To top it off, I’m watching The Baseball Report on Fox Sports.

12:54 – Not gonna lie…The Baseball Report is pretty bad. Surely there’s someone out there that has at least comparable looks to this Charissa Thompson character but is also a decent anchor.

1:01 – Mike Hogewood and Dan Bonner are so versatile.

1:09 – I see televised baseball is just like televised basketball – it begins 10 minutes later than the scheduled start time.

1:15 – The top half of the first inning comes to a close with the Heels still scoreless and Kristin asleep already.

1:19 – Unbelievable! Matt Harvey is on pace for a no-hitter. One away in the first.

1:20 – Base hit for the Canes. There goes the no-hitter, but a shut out is still an option.

1:31 – It’s still the bottom of the first. This statement should help you to deduce that the shut out is off the table. 2-0, Miami.

1:37 – Ever wonder what it might be like to live with Mike Hogewood? He has the ability to make even the most mundane of accomplishments sound like a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth of game seven of the World Series. Do you think when he’s at home he ever just says stuff like “and Mike, Jr. loads the dishwasher with ease!”

1:45 – Carolina doubles twice in the top half of the second to cut Miami’s lead in half.

1:53 – I don’t have the official stats in front of me, but by my count Matt Harvey has thrown 237 pitches through two innings. Of those, 211 have been balls.

1:58 – One of my favorite things about college baseball is the songs they play throughout the course of the game. For instance, as Matt Harvey was just removed from the game the Canes played “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter. What a last name that guy has. Powter.

2:01 – Seth Williams falls down in center field, turning out three into a two run double. I’m unclear why it wasn’t ruled an error, but that’s neither here nor there.

2:14 – Solid Carolina hitting and crappy Miami fielding have allowed the Heels to tie it at four as the top half of the third concludes.

2:21 – Dan Bonner hasn’t completed a sentence since prior to the game when he said “Good afternoon, I’m Dan Bonner.” Come to think of it, Mike Hogewood introduced them both, so Danny hasn’t finished a sentence all day.

2:29 – Oooh, another great thing about baseball – a coach arguing with the umpire! Of course, in this case Miami’s coach is clearly wrong, but it’s fun to watch nonetheless.

2:32 – And the Canes pull their starting pitcher in the top of the fourth with two on and nobody out. It’ll be a battle of the bullpens from here on out.

2:36 – If I were a relief pitcher, I’d really want to be allowed to pitch to more than one batter before being removed from the game. Regardless, Miami moves on to pitcher numero tres, David Gutierrez.

2:40 – And the Heels take a 5-4 lead! At the pace runs have been scored so far, that means very little.

2:41 – Hit into left center, 7-4 good guys. This game is on pace to take about 7 hours with 82 runs scored.

2:50 – I love how when a pitcher screws something up, they blame it on the ball and request a new one.

3:01 – Stillman’s here! I think he was planning on coming around the eighth inning but got tired of waiting. So he’s arrived during the fifth.

3:09 – We’re up 9-4 now. I’d love to tell you how we scored, but Stillman has been distracting me by making the bitter beer face after eating a sour strawberry.

3:25 – The Heels now lead 12-4. Stillman has again distracted me from being able to tell you exactly how the last three runs were scored. We’re having some creative differences on a new feature idea we’re working on.

4:00 – Home run for the Canes cuts it to 12-10, then Wooten plunks the next batter. The umpire has warned both teams, as though the Heels intentionally put another runner on base.

4:26 – You’re not going to believe this, but this game is still going on. Worse yet, since my last entry 26 minutes ago, not a single run has crossed the plate. We head to the bottom of the ninth with the Heels up two.

4:33 - What time does the Preakness start? Am I going to have to decide between watching the end of this game and the race?

4:39 – What a game! The Heels emerge with a 12-11 victory and become the first team to take a series from the Hurricanes this season. You might want to start gearing up now for what is sure to be a fantastic, if four month long, ACC Tourney.

With only nine losses on the season, a 20-6 conference record, and the nation's number two ranking, you'd think the Diamond Heels would have had trouble finding a team that could challenge them on this final weekend of the college baseball regular season.

But with only six losses on the season, a 22-3 conference record, and the nation's number one ranking, the Miami Hurricanes are one such team. It's almost as if these two teams have spent the entire season on a collision course for this series, like two freight trains hurtling toward each other, one of them having left Chapel Hill at 7:32 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other having left Coral Gables at 3:57 pm traveling at 45 mph.

Unfortunately for Carolina, they seem to have never gotten off of their algebraic train on Thursday night. Miami dominated the first game of the series, walking away with a 12-2 victory.

As a tune up for this weekend's series, the Hurricanes spent their Tuesday evening beating up on the Ospreys of North Florida, a team that Carolina defeated twice just last week in a series that was billed as "slightly more exciting than women's basketball but slightly less exciting than the first scissor cut into a new piece of construction paper."

Strangely enough, four of Miami's six losses this season have come against teams with the word "Florida" somewhere in their name: Florida, Florida State, Florida Atlantic, and Florida International. They also lost an exhibition game to the Florida Marlins and needed extra innings to defeat Florida Gulf Coast. However, Democratic Party officials have ruled that none of those losses will count because Barack Obama wasn't even on the ballot in Florida during any of those games.

Eric Erickson will take the mound for the Hurricanes on Friday night where he'll look to improve his record to 8-0 on the season. Despite the lack of creativity that his parents exhibited during the naming process, Erickson is actually from Sarasota, and not the son of a couple of uninventive Scandanavians. But not to be outdone in the creativity department, Erickson's Hurricane teammates refer to him simply as "E."

In the bullpen, Jason Santana provides an intimidating presence, largely because his name is the same as Johan Santana if only you replace the "s" with an "h." And then switch a couple of letters around.

Junior second baseman Jemille Weeks is wrapping up yet another stellar year at the plate. With a .375 average, he's accomplished the rare feat of hitting the ball twice as well as his brother Rickie, who's batting .190 for the Milwaukee Brewers.

If you happen to be traveling down to Coral Gables for Friday and Saturday night's games, you might consider stopping on your way back home to spend a night at the WildLife on Easy Street Bed & Breakfast on the outskirts of Tampa, where you can spend the night cuddling with one of your favorite endangered felines for a donation of just $100 to the local animal refuge. You can choose a baby bobcat, cougar or leopard. Dead serious.

Dear Coach Dawkins,

According to our sources (ESPN, CNNSI, Stanford University, Duke University, etc.), you've recently been appointed the title of “Anne and Tony Joseph Director of Men's Basketball” at Stanford University.  That’s quite the prestigious title, even if it is just west coast speak for “head coach.” Allow us to be one of the last websites to extend to you a congratulatory cyber handshake.  Better late than never!

We don't know what we're going to do with you gone.  Without your halftime interviews, how will we ever know what Coach K is thinking?  Looking back, we really regret never writing a “What Johnny Dawkins Wanted to Say,” but who knows – maybe sometime during your Stanford tenure you’ll get to take on the Heels and we can write one then.

Now that you’ve moved from Associate Head Coach to Actual Head Coach, will you be farming out your media responsibilities to a low level peon or will you continue to do the hard work that has brought you to the top?  Before answering, keep in mind that Erin Andrews is often the questioner.

You know what’s odd? Just last week, we wrote a letter to one Jonathan Clay Redick to (amongst other things) congratulate him on having his jersey retired by Duke University.  As rare an achievement as that is, who knew how quickly we'd have the opportunity to write to another Blue Devil with his number retired?

Speaking of your accomplishments as a player, we know we’re a little late on this one, but congrats on being named the 78th best college basketball player in the 2002 book The Legends of College Basketball. Of course, after Tyler Hansbrough’s career concludes, you may want to brace yourself for a drop to number 79 in the revised edition – but hey, you can still tell people you made the top 80!

At Stanford, will you continue to be the leader of player development as you were at Duke, or will you assign that to one of your assistants? Can you imagine what an honor it would be for the assistant you choose to fill that role? To be able to learn from the man who developed the likes of Casey Sanders, Shavlik Randolph, and Michael Thompson would truly be a resume building experience.

Since you now coach in the PAC-10, after we send this letter it’ll probably be a while before we think about you again. But we wish you the best of luck during your time in California – no matter how long (or short) it may be.

Yours truly,

Stillman and Dave

Once again, the time has come to unveil the most bizarre Google hits that brought people to Carolina Water Cooler in the last month. Lots of Duke love this time around...

1) Bonnie Laettner neck brace picture - Sorry, we can't provide you with any such picture. However, we'll be happy to indulge you with this story, courtesy of the new online Sports Illustrated Vault (a rather handy bit of technology):

"While the most overworked expression in basketball's lexicon has come to be 'he stepped up,' Laettner has become notorious for having stepped down on the chest of Kentucky's Aminu Timberlake in that instantly classic East Regional championship game on March 28, which Laettner won with a miraculous last-second shot. How notorious? During their car trip to the Final Four from their home in Angola, N.Y., Christian's mother, father and two sisters heard a radio show host criticize Christian for the stomping incident. "Did you see Laettner's mother on TV?" said the announcer, referring to the fact that Bonnie Laettner was wearing a neck brace after surgery for a degenerative disk. "He must have stepped on her neck."

2) duke huddle email spoof battier wojo - Huh?

3) "clemson university" "groom" "cheating" "wedding" "photos" - Probably excessive use of the quotation marks in this particular search, but an intriguing inquiry nonetheless.

4) "50 nifty states song" - "Fifty, nifty United States, from thirteen original co-lo-nies..." This song was a big topic of discussion on our radio show once. Remember Carolina Water Cooler Radio? Those were good days. Except for that time that we talked about the Fifty Nifty States song. That was several minutes that nobody involved will ever get back.

5) Wes Matthews being choked by Xavier McDonald - You probably would have had better luck if you'd googled Xavier McDaniel instead, but we try to be helpful whenever possible. Here's your picture:

6) "why women's basketball is better" - This topic was once an article on this very site. We can only assume that the googler here was Sylvia Hatchell, and her disgust with our parody was the main impetus behind her earnest, albeit brief, discussions with the University of South Carolina.

7) mike hogewood basketball hyphen - After flipping through our hefty rolodex of "Mike Hogewood Punctuation Jokes," we just couldn't decide which one fit best for this situation. Seriously though, no idea what they were going for here.

8) Coach Krzyzewski's wife pics - It's a little disturbing to think that someone out there wants to see pictures of Mickie.

9) pronunciation posterize - Seriously? How could the pronunciation even be debatable on this? Are we to infer that there's some guy out there pronouncing it postereeze? Can't you picture this guy ballin' it up at Rucker Park? "Aw man, you just got postereezed! I mean, I'm not trying to sensationaleeze it, but that dunk was worthy of a Nobel Preeze, man!" Who are these people?

10) roy williams wears jayhawks shirt baddour reaction - That's a good question. What did Dickie think about that? At the very least, he could have pulled a fire-him-and-hire-him-right-back deal like he did with Torbush.

Dear J.J.,

Congratulations! There’s really very little else that we can say to you. At the ripe age of 23, you’ve already achieved Dave’s lifelong goal. Every day you go to work, sit around and do nothing, and get paid for it. (Sure, that may be what Dave does every day too, but he doesn’t get paid $2,000,160 a year for it.)

Also, congratulations on being owned by 0.2% of Fantasy Owners in ESPN’s Fantasy Basketball League. Did you know that if you add your percentage of ownership to Tim Duncan’s percentage of ownership it totals exactly 100%? That’s quite impressive!

We’d like to also send along our belated congratulations on having your jersey number retired by Duke University. It’s common knowledge that North Carolina will retire the jersey of any Joe Schmoe that dons the light blue, but to become only the thirteenth Blue Devil to receive this honor is truly a great accomplishment for you.

This letter isn’t all congratulatory, however. We’d also like to offer our condolences on the fact that Tyler Hansbrough is returning for his senior season, virtually assuring that he will obliterate nearly every one of your long-standing scoring records. If it makes you feel any better, he did it by shooting almost exclusively simple little shots from in the paint. He made very few of those difficult long range shots that you employed (and for which you certainly should have been awarded more than three points). In fact, we can only think of one three pointer Hansbrough has made in his collegiate career, and he made it when the game was already practically out of reach for the opponent.

We know this prose is likely difficult for you to read, but we’re just not as good with iambic pentameter as you are. We’ve heard rumors that you’re looking to get out of Orlando. If that’s the case, feel free to submit your resume as well as a portfolio of some of your work to us. We’re always looking for talented new writers to join our staff. Of course, we’d need to perform a criminal background check, but for someone like you that’s really just a formality.

Anyway, we know you’re a busy guy, so if it’s easier for you to respond to us via your blog, feel free to do so. (Just so you know: one of our most popular features is our “View from the Couch.” If you’d like to attract more readers to your blog, perhaps you should consider adding a “View from the Bench” to your blog entry repertoire.)

Best of luck during the remainder of the playoffs. Coming back from a 2-0 deficit against the Pistons will be difficult, but if anybody can pull off that kind of shocker it’s you.

Your pals,

Stillman and Dave

Welcome back! Last week we had a debate. This week, there will be no debate. We’re going to talk about something that is undeniably un-American. It’s more un-American than the NHL playoffs.

First let’s talk about something that is American: baseball. Whether you like the sport or not, it’s as American as Dollywood. Baseball has its traditions: hotdogs, the seventh-inning stretch, Take Me Out to the Ballgame, ice cold beers, etc. Another tradition that is especially prevalent in minor league baseball is the mascot race. Fellow North Carolinians should be very familiar with minor league baseball and mascot races since North Carolina has an astounding 10 minor league teams. If you’re not familiar with mascot races, they’re simple. The home team’s mascot races a young kid around the base-paths between one of the innings. It’s kind of like watching Wile E. Coyote chase after that pesky Road Runner…you know who’s going to win, but it’s still fun to watch!

If you’re from the Triangle, you may be familiar with the one and only Wool E. Bull. If you’re from the Triad, you may know Wally the Warthog from Winston-Salem. If you’re from the mountains, you know and love Ted E. Tourist the Bear from Asheville. They all have something in common in that they’ve never won a mascot race except for on their birthdays when they race another mascot. That’s how it should be. The kid always wins. The kid loves it, the crowd loves it, and the players love it. We all love watching the mascot lose. Sometimes the mascot is just too tired to make it all the way around the bases; sometimes he trips over a base; sometimes he sees something shiny and gets distracted…for whatever reason he just can’t seem to get right, and we love it!

For the record, I am living in Little Rock, Arkansas for the summer as a member of the grounds crew for the Arkansas Travelers, a double-A team in the Texas League. The mascot here is Shelly. Shelly is a cross-eyed horse with buck teeth…I wish I was making that up. Anyway, I witnessed something so un-American this past week at the ballpark that it made me think for a split-second that I was in North Korea or Canada. I will now relay to you 3 separate accounts of this disastrous event.

ACCOUNT 1: Lance, the on-field MC

Lance is responsible for pumping up the crowd. He goes onto the field between innings with a microphone and talks to the fans about the on-field promotions. On Thursday night, in the middle of the second inning, Lance was at his normal post close to the third base dugout where the finish line for the mascot race is. Although you couldn’t hear it in his voice, Lance was concerned because before he and “Shelly” took the field they had this conversation:

Shelly: “How old is this kid?”

Lance: “He just turned 9.”

Shelly: “Then he’s old enough…”

Before Lance had a chance to investigate, it was too late to ask questions. The show had to go on…

ACCOUNT 2: Phil, the radio broadcaster

Phil Elson is one of the finest radio broadcasters in the business. Woody Durham would most likely high-five Phil if he listened to a Travelers broadcast. Anyway, Phil very rarely pays attention to the on-field promotions between innings because he’s busy making sure his scorebook is accurate or he’s looking through notes. But on this night, he couldn’t help but notice the catastrophe on the field. Here is a transcript of Phil’s broadcast after the commercial break following the top of the second inning: “Well, you never know what’s gonna happen between innings at Dickey-Stephens Park. I think we just had a first in the history of Travs Baseball. The Travs mascot …(silence)… Shelly… (silence)…beat the kid…He won. Shelly won the mascot race between the top and bottom of the second inning. Now I will let you know that that is not suppose to happen. I don’t knot what script Shelly is going by or what kind of performance-enhancing horse-feed Shelly is eating, but we’re going to have to suspend him for that.”

ACCOUNT 3: Your boy, the Muffin

I was sitting beyond the left-field wall in the grounds crew pit. I was on top of a tall stack of bagged infield rock. Before the race, I said the same thing to myself that I do before every mascot race I’ve ever seen. I said, “alright, beat this kid. He/she ain’t nothing. You got it mascot! Take this dude down! Just once, man up and beat this kid! NO MERCY!!!” Well, I never knew how much I didn’t really want this to happen until it happened. I sat there and watched the race take place. They started at first base. Shelly and the boy touched second at the same time. Shelly took a slight lead between 2nd and 3rd. This was typical. I fully expected a player to close-line Shelly, or for Shelly to trip, or for Shelly to get tired and bend over with his hands on his knees and give up. Shelly touched third base first and kept going. This was very odd. Shelly extended his hands and touched the finish-line banner before the young boy did. At first, I laughed hysterically for 5 seconds. Then a feeling of pure shock and horror overtook me. What in the heck had just happened? I could feel my face turn white. The fans were confused too. They usually boo when something happens that they dissaprove of, but they didn’t have time to react. This was too much. The stadium was silent. Lance, who ALWAYS has something to say didn’t know what to say: “Whoah…(extended silence)…wow…man…Shelly won. Shelly won the mascot race. How about that…I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.” I looked over to my fellow employees and asked

“Did you see that?”

“Yeah…did Shelly win?” they responded.

“I think so,” I said. I got down and walked slowly up the tunnel to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I started crying, and I haven’t stopped yet. Why Shelly? WHY!? You communist horse! I hope you’re happy. You just ruined one of baseball’s and one of AMERICA’S most storied traditions. Way to go.

That my friends is as un-American as it gets.

In the days since the NBA draft declaration deadline passed, Carolina Water Cooler has expended all of its time and energy hacking into David Stern’s computer in order to obtain a copy of the list of every individual who's declared without an agent. The list was quite long, so below we’ve highlighted just the most interesting names:

Barack Obama – Obama didn’t waste any time getting his name out to the scouts, as he was in Chapel Hill playing pickup ball with the Heels earlier this week. While it's still unclear whether or not America is ready for a black president, the NBA's color barrier was broken decades ago.  The real question will be is whether Barack is black enough.

Miley Cyrus – After her brief foray into the world of "artsy" photography, Cyrus has been informed by Disney that she may only appear at events or in magazines that fall under the ABC/Walt Disney/ESPN umbrella.

Morgan Freeman – Inspired by his recent role in "The Bucket List," Freeman decided to throw his name in the hat in an attempt to fulfill one of his lifelong dreams before he kicks the bucket.  Jack Nicholson decided he was far too out of shape to be successful as a basketball player and will instead enter his name into the draft of a sport that requires minimal athletic ability - the Professional Bowlers Association Senior Tour.

George W. Bush - In a surprise move, given how skilled he was at avoiding the draft in his younger years, the current President of the United States decided to test the NBA waters, stating "I’ve been practicing running the four corners in Iraq for the last 4 years."

Adam Boone - After spending 13 years in college basketball, Boone has decided to throw his name in the hat instead of completing his final three seasons of eligibility.

Roger Clemens – With his baseball legacy in a freefall and his moral values under attack, Clemens decided a change in sport was just what he needed. Expect him to spend most of the pre-draft camps chatting with the cheerleaders.

Sidney Lowe - Contrary to previously reported reports, Lowe has not yet completed his online degree from St. Paul's College. Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel with his program in Raleigh, the Wolfpack's favorite son has decided to forsake the St. Paul's degree and take a second shot at the NBA. Perhaps the Timberwolves have been waiting for this day and held on to his favorite shorts.

Bill Gates - After losing more than $40 billion over the last decade and having abdicated his title of World's Richest Man to Warren Buffett, Gates has decided to leave Microsoft and declare for the draft, hoping to find a new stream of income to help feed his family. Since Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen owns the Portland Trail Blazers, rumors have already started running rampant that Allen has promised Gates that he'll be a lottery pick. Expect the fallout from this situation to be ugly as Microsoft stockholder Mike Krzyzewski has already expressed his dissatisfaction with both Allen and Gates, telling them that they're "effing his portfolio."

Oh…Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, and Danny Green were also on the list, but with all the talent previously mentioned, it seems unlikely any of them will crack the first round. Expect them all to return to Chapel Hill next season.

This week, we are going to engage in a difficult yet crucial debate. Some of you will likely jump to one side or the other right off the bat. Some of you will probably be torn to bits on this issue, but we must come to a consensus. We are going to determine which is more American: Golden Corral or CiCi’s Pizza.

I know what some of you are thinking right now… “Muffin, this is an easy one. Pizza ain’t American. It’s I-talian.”

Well, pizza may be an Italian dish, but I’ll tell you something right now; pizza topped with barbecued chicken, cheeseburger bits, and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American. FYI, pizza didn’t actually originate in Italy. Historians believe the Greeks or Romans are to thank for the delicious round mass of greasy, cheesy, saucy goodness.

Anyway, the debate will not be solely based on the food served at these glorious establishments. We will also consider what these restaurants represent and stand for. Our primary objective is to determine which one of these culinary masterpieces best embodies the Spirit of America. And yes, the “Spirit of America” is a real and tangible thing, and if you don’t agree, then you are most certainly a hippie or a communist.

Ok, let’s first take a look at the basics. Golden Corral opened in the great city of Fayetteville, North Carolina in 1973. They now have 476 franchises in 38 states. They have an absolutely splendid buffet that contains an array of foods including but not limited to carved and hot meats, pasta, pizza, veggies, salads, and desserts! Their company vision is "To be the leading family restaurant system by making pleasurable dining affordable for every guest, in every restaurant, every day." I don’t know why they tossed in the word “system,” but I like it. As if having a tip-top vision wasn’t enough, they also have a company mission which is, “to make pleasurable dining affordable.” However, they get negative cool points for ripping the company mission directly from the company vision. Lastly, Golden Corral was voted the #1 family buffet by “Nation’s Restaurant News” for the 10 th consecutive year in 2007! And we all know how prestigious the “Nation’s Restaurant News” is.

CiCi’s Pizza opened in the bland city of Plano, Texas in 1985. They now have approximately 600 franchises in 29 states. They have an endless pizza buffet with classic favorites and new creations. They also offer some pasta, some salad, and a decent selection of yummy and sweet desserts. They don’t have a “vision” but they do have a “mission” and it’s a good one: “To exceed each guest's expectation in food, service and cleanliness, all within CiCi's low all-you-can-eat price point.” Kind of poetic isn’t it? I got quite a good giggle out of the fact that CiCi’s Pizza also cites the “Nation’s Restaurant News” on their website: Cici’s is number one for sales and unit growth in the pizza chain category for the last 4 years. AWESOME!

Now for the intangibles.

PATRONS: A scientific poll showed that on a NASCAR race day, you have a 70% chance of walking up to any table in Golden Corral and asking, “Who won today?” and getting the correct answer. In CiCi’s pizza, you have only a 10% chance of getting this critical information. In CiCi’s pizza you will likely have to compete against throngs of ankle-biters celebrating birthdays which means less specialty pizza for you. In GC, the young ones are usually accompanied. One of my most memorable restaurant experiences happened at GC by the way. A young lad was standing in front of the bar where the macaroni and cheese usually sits. He looked on intently as a GC employee walked in the back to pick up a new batch. The child was focused and completely still as he waited there salivating. When the employee returned and placed the mac & cheese in its rightful place, the child promptly raised both hands over his head and pumped his arms three times before digging in. This was awesome. John Stillman was actually there that day, and I immediately relayed the story to him. Kids don’t make CiCi’s less American, but they do make it a touch more annoying…and to be annoying reminds me of France not America. Edge to GC.

SERVICE: Treating people the right way is truly American, so service is crucial in this debate. If there’s one thing CiCi’s employees learn in their intense and specialized training which I’m sure takes no less than 2 months, it’s to say “Hi! Welcome to CiCi’s!” when you walk in. When you leave, you will undoubtedly hear the words, “Thanks for coming to CiCi’s!” From my experience, they really seem to mean it. Although, they don’t always have the pizza you want, they usually have something to hold you over until what you want shows up. At Golden Corral, smiling faces and kind words are harder to come by. You get a waiter and/or waitress, but I would prefer to fill up my glass of Coke on my own since I’m already getting up to fill my plate with fried dead animals. The edge goes to CiCi’s.

FOOD: Yes, barbecued chicken pizza is distinctly American, but no one can deny Golden Corral’s traditional American food lineup. Fried meats and a better desert bar put GC over the top in this category.

AFFORDABILITY: Affordability is another crucial quality when it comes to being American. Everyone should be able to enjoy good food and good times. At GC, you’re looking at an average price of 13 bucks per person. At CiCi’s you’re looking at just under 6 dollars per person. Nowhere do you get more bang for your buck than CiCi’s pizza. Edge to CiCi’s.

THE VERDICT: First let me say that this is the hardest decision I’ve made since I was forced by a friend to choose my favorite John Wayne movie. I chose “The Undefeated”: a splendid film set in the tumultuous aftermath of the Civil War.

Anyway, I flip-flopped 3 times while writing this column. On the one hand, as one friend pointed out, GC represents America’s history as a “melting pot.” GC has a little bit of everything when it comes to food and patrons. Who knows what you’ll find. On the other hand, CiCi’s Pizza is growing at a tremendous pace with over 600 franchises at last check. MORE, MORE, MORE; a classic American ideal. But, although CiCi’s has more restaurants, Golden Corral has set up shop in more states (39)…When it came down to it, there was one x-factor that put Golden Corral over the top. Golden Corral allows veterans to eat free on Veterans Day. How cool and American is that?

May God Bless Golden Corral and America. That’s it and that’s all. Did you think it was possible to write this much on a debate between Golden Corral and CiCi’s pizza?

With the most recent women's basketball season now a few weeks in the past, it's finally time to turn our attention to Carolina Baseball. But before we dive into this weekend's games, we need to catch you up on everything that's happened with the program since we last had any coverage of the team.

First, a bunch of bulldozers rolled into town in the middle of the night and destroyed Boshamer Stadium. Then--just like those thousands of Northerners looking for a new home in the past two decades--the Diamond Heels moved to Cary.

While playing at their adopted home, the Heels have suffered a few moderately embarrassing losses to lower-tier teams like Old Dominion, Coastal Carolina, Elon, and N.C. State. (In the interest of full disclosure, we realize that a loss to one of these teams isn't really that embarrassing. Coastal Carolina is actually a Top 25 team, so they don't really fit in with this group of "lower-tier" teams). But those unfortunate losses notwithstanding, an impressive run through the conference schedule has the Heels looking at a record of 35-7, 16-4 in the ACC.

But despite the Heels' stellar record so far, a significant challenge lies in wait as the only two teams in the ACC with a better record (Florida State and Miami) still loom ahead on the schedule. In fact, the 'Noles and 'Canes are the only two teams currently ranked ahead of Carolina in the national polls.

This weekend, it will be the Seminoles who will travel to Cary in an attempt to knock off the two-time College World Series runners-up. "Runners-up" is a funny term. Seems like they could have called it "runner-ups." Though that sounds kinda funny too.

At any rate, the Seminoles (34-5, 18-3 ACC) will bring a roster full of offensive talent. Leading a contingent of eight Florida State players hitting better than .300 is junior catcher Buster Posey. Posey is batting an eye-popping .483 so far this season. Of course, when your parents call you Buster, you're pretty much destined to be a great athlete. It's just like Jeeves. If your parents name you Jeeves, then you must be a butler. There's no other choice. Or if they name you Keanu, you're pretty well locked into a career as a bad actor.

This weekend could end up playing a role in whether or not the Heels are chosen to once again host a Super Regional during this year's NCAA tournament. Currently ranked third in the country, Carolina is in good position to be one of the eight teams chosen to host, but with six games still to play against Miami and Florida State--not to mention the ACC tournament-- anything is possible.

In fact, winning games against these two ACC foes wouldn't necessarily guarantee anything. Mike Fox and his team would still have to persuade the un-elected Super Delegates to come over to their side, and that's always an inexact science.

This weekend's series will get cranked up on Friday evening at 7:00. If you can't make it to the game, you can always listen to the Venerable Jones Angell and the Great Adam Lucas as they call the action on the Tar Heel Sports Network. There's a chance that they'll talk some baseball during the broadcast, but there's an even greater chance that they'll find themselves talking about Legally Blonde or Facebook. So don't miss out.

As Carolina Water Cooler's brand new "off topic" columnist, The Muffin will be bringing you a slice of Americana every week. All views and opinions expressed in this column are most likely not endorsed by Dave, but are probably wholeheartedly agreed with by Stillman.


Hello, and welcome to Americana Monday’s with the Muffin. I would first like to say that I am truly honored to be a part of the CWC writing staff. This is most prestigious post I’ve held since I was a hall-monitor in third grade.

This will be an off-topic exploration into the great and unending world of Americana. So don’t worry; you won’t have to read anything in this column about the possibility of Tyler, Ty, and Wayne leaving for the Association. And you won’t have to read anything about the first half of the Final Four game against Kansas. And you won’t have to read anything about that Kansas sticker on Uncle Roy’s sweater during the championship…at least, from now on you won’t.

The powers that be here at Carolina Water Cooler have turned me loose, and they asked me of only two things. First, they told me that while with CWC, I need to keep it clean. They’ve got some nerve! I was quite offended by this request. I shower every day, and I was under the impression that they knew this. They need to give their own underarms a sniff every now and then before they go telling me to “keep it clean.” Second, they told me that this column needs to be awesome. That, my friends, will be up to you. I’ll do my best, but if things don’t work out, I’ll take my flag-waving, Star-Spangled Banner singing, NASCAR-watching tail somewhere else.

There are some things I’d like you to know about me. Number one: I love America. Number two: I hate hippies. And number three: I believe that if this nation still ran on the philosophy of the Old West, things probably wouldn’t be better, but I’d be a lot happier. I’ll explain all of this in due time.

In this column, I will primarily salute anything and everything that I believe represents or stands for the values and principles of this great nation. Some examples include the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate System, Bob Barker, those delightful quarters issued by the United States Mint honoring each of the 50 states, Mount Rushmore, and Golden Corral. I will also occassionally attack those things which I believe are entirely anti-American including hippies, the idea of being “politcally correct,” outrageous lawsuits, soccer, and Carrboro. Now hold on just a second; if you live in Carrboro, please let me explain. In general, I find Carrboro to be plenty American, but when I drive through downtown and see a girl that hasn’t showered in 3-5 days with dread locks down to her knees riding a bike right behind an emo-teen reject on a Segway, it raises questions; that’s all. To me that scene would have been more appropriate in France.

You and I may and probably will disagree about some things at some point, but I’d like to state right now that this is all in good fun, and I am not here to offend anyone. Ideally, we would like for this to be an interactive column. Feel free to e-mail your thoughts about things and people you believe represent America or things and people you think disgrace America. Just like the old Sammy Kershaw country song, there are three things that will never be tackled in this column: politics, religion, and women. Politics can start a fight. With religion it’s too hard to prove who’s right. With women…well, who the heck has ever figured them out?

So, there are the ground-rules. Again, I’m very excited to be a part of the Carolina Water Cooler, and I hope you enjoy Americana Mondays! We’ll chat again next week.

In this new monthly feature, we'll unveil the most impressive, bizarre, and disturbing Google searches that eventually made someone stumble onto our site.

1) what color would you use on the walls in a bedroom with the carolina tarheels theme? - Ok, couple of things here. First of all, Tar Heels is two words. Secondly, "Carolina Blue" would probably be your best choice. Unless you wanted to get a little crazy and go with orange or something. Seriously, you needed Google to figure this out?

2) Alex Stepheson bags girl - Impressive that they spelled "Stepheson" correctly. Makes us think that this person is a pretty serious fan of Big Al. Maybe if we added a "Tar Heels Dorm Cam" we'd get more readers.

3) Does marcus ginyard have a girlfriend - Apparently it wouldn't hurt for there to be some sort of class that you could attend to learn how Google actually works. Believe it or not, it's not just some omniscient computerized being that knows the answer to whatever random question may pop into your head. So when you type in questions that revolve around a player's dating status or questions about paint, then you'll probably just end up at some hole-in-the-wall website like this one.

4) jon scheyer shirtless jj redick - Where can we find a breakdown of how many google searches are done each year by someone who's clearly in love with an ACC player? Because we're 3-for-4 here.

5) is shammond williams getting married or is he married - Four for five.

6) la cascada water park in mayaquez, pr, to rent for 12 hours - Pretty sure that "pr" stands for Puerto Rico here. That's a pretty long flight for just a 12 hour stay. Of course, going to San Antonio was a pretty long flight for what ended up happening there.

7) chris keldorf that was one of my greatest fears - Letting Keldorf throw the ball on third-and-goal from the five yard line in Charlottesville was one of our greatest fears. Too bad Greg Davis didn't ask us.

8) definition of "floor slapper" - It was probably this month's caption picture that caused this googler to end up here.

9) coach roy williams smoker - Well, he did learn everything he knows from Dean...

9) "brandon costner" + "what's wrong" - This is probably our favorite. In fact, we tracked the IP address to find out where this one came from and determined that it was from Sidney Lowe's office.

10) battier world of warcraft - This is good, but we're looking forward to the day where we get one that says "eric meek dungeons and dragons."

11) dead mule club+gimghoul - Yeah, we've heard some weird stuff goes on out there...

12) "Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!" - Good job with the exclamation point here. Most people tend to forsake capitalization and punctuation when they're googling.

13) who opened for the police +synchronicity tour greensboro february 1984 opening act - Can't you just picture some married couple reflecting on their first concert together, and then they get in a big argument about who the opening act was on that particular night? Imagine their disappointment when Google brought them here.

14) BRICKOWSKI MARIJUANA - WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?!?!

15) curse of makhtar ndiaye - Didn't realize that losing to Utah in the Final Four wasn't really our fault. Turns out it was just a curse. Still hurts just as much.

FIrst of all, congratulations to the winners of the Carolina Water Cooler March Madness Pick 'Em Prize-a-Palooza:

1) L. Carroll

2) R. Carver

3) D. Johnson

You were all able to rise above the fray by not picking Carolina to win it all. (We can only assume that you were wearing your Roy-endorsed Jayhawk stickers all throughout the Final Four). Please email us to claim your prizes.

Just to reiterate, you can choose from the following prizes:

Any regular edition print from Tar Heel Moments ($100-150 value).
$45 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse.
$35 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse.
Wing and pizza party for 10 people at Bailey's Pub and Grille in Chapel Hill.
$20 gift card to Lowe's Hardware.

First place gets their choice of two prizes. Second place gets their choice of two remaining prizes, and third place gets what's left.

A couple of other thoughts...

Rock Chalk Championship - Really, Jim Nantz? You had a full 48 hours to perfect your pun and this is what you came up with? You could have at least gone with the obvious, "It's over....and boy, do the Jayhawks like playing with their Self!" Of course, in fairness to Nantz, he probably had to come up with an entirely new pun during the overtime period, having already torn up and thrown away his original Kansas pun, not realizing that Memphis was about to choke like Rick Majerus on a breadstick.

The Worst Team in the Tournament - Somehow, it seems that we've never explained how to calculate which team was the Worst Team in the Tournament. Here's the premise: if you lost to a team that ended up doing well, then on some level, you can take some solace in that (for instance, even though the Jayhawks humiliated Carolina, at least we can say that we lost to the national champions). Likewise, Mississippi State lost in the second round, but at least the team that beat them (Memphis) made it all the way to the final game. You get the point...

To find the worst team, you simply figure out which team's "genealogy" is made up entirely of losses. So let's trace it, in reverse. The final loser was Memphis. They beat UCLA, who beat Xavier, who beat West Virginia, who beat Duke, who beat Belmont. So the Belmont Bruins are the only team without a win in their bloodline, rendering them this year's Worst Team in the Tournament. Which means that Duke was only one point better than the Worst Team in the Tournament (or only one point away from being the Worst Team in the Tournament themselves). However you want to look at it. Either way, congrats.

So here's to another great year of thrills and chills ultimately culminating in heartache, depression, and a full week in the fetal position. Let's meet back here at this same place and do it all again next year, shall we?

The weather is always bad on The Day After. Never sunny.

Food never tastes good on The Day After. Even the most delectable of treats tastes like Brandon Rush's jock strap.

On The Day After, the one-and-done format of the NCAA tournament is no way to choose a national champion.

On The Day After, the memory of all of those other Days After come flooding back....Georgetown, George Mason, Texas, Penn State, Florida, Weber Flippin' State, Utah, Arizona, Texas Tech, Arkansas, Boston Bleepin' College, Ohio State, all the way back to another Final Four loss to Kansas. And on and on. The fact that two national championships were won in the middle of those Days After is no consolation.

On The Day After, Roy just can't get it done. Never will. He doesn't know how to recruit players that won't fold under the pressure and he can't teach kids to play defense when it matters and he doesn't know how or when to call a time out. Winning 92.3 percent of this season's games and getting to a second Final Four in just five years, and winning a championship in one of those...that stuff is cute, but it's not enough to justify him being a Hall of Fame coach. Those weren't even his players in 2005 anyway.

On The Day After, Dean would have never lost that game. Heck, Bill Guthridge or Matt Doherty or Pete Gaudet or Les Robinson would have never lost that game.

On The Day After, we never would have lost a single game all season if Roy wasn't an idiot and hadn't failed to recruit Stephen Curry.

On The Day After, Tyler probably didn't deserve Player of the Year after all. Should've been Michael Beasley or CDR or Kevin Love or Brian Zoubek.

On The Day After, none of our guys have any business even thinking about the NBA Draft. All of their skill sets are fatally flawed, and they don't have the athleticism to hang with the elite players at the collegiate level, much less the professional ranks. On the other hand, they might as well go ahead and make the jump to the NBA because they're so bad that next year's freshmen are going to come in and take their jobs.

On The Day After, being a fan just isn't worth it. You can spend all season trying to perfect your lucky routine, determining which pair of underwear is the luckiest, and making sure that you find a way to get Woody perfectly synched up with the TV broadcast. But no matter what you do, history has demonstrated that there's only about a four percent chance that the Heels will escape with a national title.

The Day After the Day After won't be any better. In fact, it might be worse. There will be a championship game that Carolina will have no involvement in. They'll play One Shining Moment while another team cuts down the nets and stands at midcourt while they tell Jim Nantz and Billy Packer how they knew all season that this was their year and nobody was going to stand in their way.

There's no good news on The Day After. No inspiring message. No "wait 'til next year" statements that make anyone feel any better. Just the harrowing thought of five long months until football season, and then another three until basketball gets cranked back up. This is why a national championship feels so good; this is why we rush Franklin Street and take pictures and buy t-shirts and hats and posters. All because once in a great while, we get to enjoy a year where The Day After never comes.

Just not today.

Davidson's loss to Kansas in the Midwest Regional Final was integral to Carolina's championship hopes for one key reason: Stephen Curry was the poster child to become the next member of the Harold Arceneaux All-Star team. With him out of the way, the Heels can rest easy.

Their names are etched in your brain like a bad dream you can’t escape. You know the one, where Dick Vitale is wearing a cleavage-revealing evening gown and singing “Happy Birthday Mr. Krzyzewski” to a beaming Coach K. Or maybe you’re being chased by a bear. Or something.

Anyway, you’ve cursed their names, you’ve questioned their eligibility, you’ve wondered why Coach Guthridge didn’t recruit them. Here they are, the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars.

Membership in the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars is restricted to any player who had a game against UNC in the NCAA Tournament where they played like the Chicago Bulls on NBA Jam. You know how you would reach that point in the video game when you make so many shots in a row that the ball catches on fire and everything you throw up is going in, leading your buddy to chuck his SEGA controller across the floor and break it in a million pieces.

Since the criteria is restricted to those who had career days in the tournament, such obvious inclusions as Randolph Childress, Jason Williams or Tyrese Rice won’t be found here. What you will find are lightly-regarded or overlooked players who came into the game with a chip on their shoulder against the Heels. Maybe they weren’t recruited by Coach Smith. Maybe they visited Chapel Hill and tripped on a brick walking through the Pit. Whatever their reason, they played out of their minds against the Heels.

Anyone watching Arizona play this year might have looked at the team huddle right before a TV timeout and said to themselves, “Self, that dude in the suit holding the clipboard looks like a slightly heavier version of Miles Simon.” Well, you would be right.

Current Wildcats assistant coach Simon torched the Heels for 24 points in an upset victory that would also serve as Dean Smith’s final game at Carolina.

Simon’s biography includes one necessary component of the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars. He received a rejection letter from Dean Smith in high school, informing him that UNC would not be recruiting him because of a glut of talented shooting guards already on the team. Simon cherished the letter and used it as motivation for his collegiate career. I did the same with my rejection letter from MTV’s “Singled Out.”

Making a joint appearance on this list are the Crispin brothers from Penn State. You’ll remember them from their appearance in the nightmare that was the end of the 2000-2001 inaugural Doherty campaign. Not that the year was so bad, just the season-ending streak of losing every Sunday (I told you we should have never spray-painted “Doherty is God” on Greenlaw after the Duke game).

Joe and Jon Crispin combined for 26 points that day (although Joe had a far superior day to Jon, scoring 21 of those on 7-21 shooting). Maybe it just felt like the two achieved some kind of twin-like mind meld, as it seemed that one or the other was scoring on us at every turn. If it wasn’t one of the Crispins killing the Heels that day, then it was Charlotte native Titus Ivory dropping 21 points to seal the deal. While Googling “Titus Ivory” to research this game, I learned that he had a 125-gallon aquarium in his room back home.

The 1998 Final Four. What an ugly game. While the high-flying Heels of Jamison, Carter and Cota filled highlight reels throughout the 1997-98 season, Rick Majerus’ Utah Utes slowed the pace of the Final Four match-up to a grinding 65-59 halt.

Leading the charge for the “Running Utes” (I’m going to dispute the “Running Utes” nickname here, as there wasn’t a whole lot of running involved with this team) was Andre Miller with 16 points, 14 rebounds and seven assists. After Utah jumped out to an 11-2 lead to start the game, most Heel fans kept waiting for reality to catch up with the Utes. But time ran out on Coach Guthridge’s first season as head coach, and the dream meeting with Kentucky for bragging rights as college basketball’s all-time historic powerhouse never occurred.

Danya Abrams. Punk. While the 1993-94 Heels were an achingly gifted but chronically flawed bunch, no one could have foreseen a second-round exit at the hands of Boston College. And perhaps the comeback and advancing to the Sweet 16 would have been complete were it not for the questionable knockout blow Abrams delivered to point guard Derrick Phelps, sending him out of the game with a concussion.

While Abrams stat line was negligible that day, it was his clobbering of Phelps four minutes into the second half that derailed UNC’s hopes. The freshmen forward’s hit so infuriated Coach Smith that he had to be visibly restrained on the sideline from charging after Abrams.

No list of Harold Arceneaux All-Stars could ever be complete without the inspiration for the team name. Harold “The Show” Arceneaux was a little-known guard from New Orleans before the fourth-seeded Heels took on Weber State in the 1999 NCAA Tournament. A transfer from the College of Eastern Utah in Price, Utah, and Midland Junior College in Texas, Arceneaux led the Wildcats to the Big Sky tournament championship, earning them a bid in the tournament. While I’m on the subject, is there a more generic collegiate mascot name than the Wildcats? I had honestly forgotten what Weber State’s nickname was, but I went ahead and wrote “Wildcats” because I said to myself “I bet they’re the Wildcats, everyone is named the ‘Wildcats.’” Some reader out there with more time on his hands could use a little Google magic to determine how many schools in Division 1 have “Wildcats” in their name. I’m sure Stillman will throw in some CWC toilet paper or something.

Arceneaux stunned the Heels with 36 points, 20 that came in the second half to fend off a furious late Carolina rally. At least he had a Cajun name that was somewhat difficult to pronounce, ensuring that State fans couldn’t taunt us with it and Duke fans would have to ask for the etymology of the word or hear it used in a sentence before accurately coming up with a clever putdown they could chant at Cameron.

So there you have it, the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars. Here’s hoping that Brandon Rush, Kevin Love or Chris Douglas-Roberts never end up on this list. And if they do, it was all Stillman’s idea.

This weekend, two of college basketball's most prominent programs will face off on the biggest stage that the sport has to offer. But for those unable to watch Bradley take on Tulsa in Friday night's CBI championship game, they'll have to settle for Saturday night's matchup between North Carolina and Kansas in San Antonio.

Earlier this week, Carolina Water Cooler was first to break the story that Roy Williams used to be the coach at Kansas. Other media outlets have since picked up the story and given it considerable coverage throughout the week. What they've failed to explore are the uncanny connections between the two programs.

Kansas junior Brandon Rush won't have to look outside his immediate family for advice on how to lose an NCAA tournament game to the Tar Heels. As a freshman at Missouri back in 2000, big brother Kareem scored 10 points in a first round loss to a Carolina team that went on upset Stanford en route to a Final Four appearance that was more unlikely than twelve consecutive months without a player transferring out of the Duke basketball program.

Senior Rodrick Stewart only plays 12 minutes a game for the Jayhawks, and that can only prove to be a blessing for Carolina. Stewart is best known to Carolina fans as "one of the twins." The twins were long lauded as the Saviors of Carolina Basketball during the Matt Doherty Era, and rumors of their alleged commitment spread across the internet world like wildfire. As it turned out, both Rodrick and brother Lodrick ended up at Southern California, before Rodrick transferred to Lawrence after just one season. Lodrick helped defeat the Heels two years ago during the regular season, but redeemed himself in last year's Sweet Sixteen by helping the Trojans blow a 16-point second half lead as the Heels stormed back to win.

Sophomore Darrell Arthur holds the distinction of being the first Kansas player to wear the "00" jersey since Greg Ostertag graduated back in 1995. Unbeknownst to many, Ostertag played a big role in one of Carolina's national championships. By bearing such a close resemblance to Carolina's Eric Montross during the 1993 Final Four, several Jayhawk players found themselves confused and unable discern which gangly white man they were supposed to pass the ball to. Carolina went on to win 78-68.

Senior Sasha Kaun hails from Tomsk, Russia, a city known for its statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin. Naturally, Kaun is able to relate to the town of Chapel Hill, a municipality which has long been considered to be communist.

Saturday's meeting between the two teams will be the first since November 27, 2002, when Matt Doherty led Carolina to a 67-56 victory over Kansas in the Preseason NIT. Of course, if it's any consolation to Jayhawk fans, their team went on to play in the national championship game that year while Carolina failed to make the NCAA tournament.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, Roy Williams--the coach who led the Jayhawks to that championship game--is now the coach at Carolina.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Kansas fans, they were able to steal former Tar Heel Larry Brown long enough for him to lead them to the national championship in 1988.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, Brown left the Jayhawk program handicapped by NCAA sanctions before he headed back to the professional ranks.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Kansas fans, nobody can take away their 1991 Final Four victory over a Carolina team coached by Kansas alum Dean Smith.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, they can still hold on to their victory over Wilt Chamberlain and the Jayhawks in the 1957 national championship game. Well, that and the fact that Kansas is a boring state.